sometimes i wonder, what will it become to people who think to high for themselves. do they finally get what their up to, do they finally communicate their message, does people understand their minds? this rambling thoughts happened when i was sitting on my toilet seat. i agree, everybody can write. some write for journalistic purpose, some write for commercializing, some write to life, some write to start thinking. then it occured to me, do their readers prefer writers to use complicated and sophisticated language, or just simple words, forming simple sentences that build simple state of mind. pure, unprecedented, clean cut, and easily understood. i myself, prefered the later. for me, even the best and most technical writers can write about hard stuff, the easy way. so that even the very simplest people can capture their objectives. does high vocabulary words needed after all? oh yes they are. i wont argue with linguists who adore the development of words and stuffs. i admire modernisity, but i also aknowledge more on simple things.

today i learn about simplyfying the way i think about myself. sometimes i think too hard, let my mind play with my conscious and get tied up by complex ideas. simplicity IS necessary. thank GOd for sitting on toilet!! :D

TUESDAY, JULY 26, 2005
9:37 PM

things are turning a lil too much for me. Can’t understand my feelings & what are the things I want & expect from the situation, from the person themselves & most of all, from me. I can’t decode my own desires; it’s puzzling & started to get very frustrating. I used to play this game & again, I guess God wants to teach me that being in their shoe are not that pleasing. If that is so, then how do I protect myself? How can I determine which ones are dangerous & which ones are safe?

Enough with the prologue. I’m starting to miss someone who I rejected before. I treated him by playing with his feelings towards me. I was being hard to get & now just when I’m started to miss him, he went away. Ssshhheeessshhhhh!!!! Help ME!! For cryin’ out loud!! How do I fix these things?!

Not to mention, one of my ex has finally rejoiced for his findings & triumphs with his new girlfriend. It completes my low & bitchy mood.

10:00 PM

when I was talking with my lil sis, I said things in ramblings since what I’m actually tryin’ to do is, somewhat, lie to her. Anyway, I told her that big stones going thru lot’s of process in life, goin’ thru the weather, heat & cold, different environment & surroundings. Eventually, these big stones will become small pebbles; they even will become dust in a further future.

and so it is ...

i can't believe that this time, when i get back and write here, it's all because of him. got a phone call from ekta today, he said that it's true. he's now with inggrid. shi*!! i thought i'm prepared, and then again i do feel ok, and more relaxed receiving the news. but i guess, i built it over my own fear. if this thing eventually did happen in the past. just in time for my pausing period. had enough with my surroundings. don't feel comfortable with the things that once made me feel so. i feel like i want to isolate myself, and now, the reasonings go stronger by the minute.

and so it is ...

ok, so now i'm starting to like my old blog again. guess what ney said was right, really need to resort. so he suggested that i write, then i said "i cant write. my mom always said that i'm a bad writer." and since that, i started to believe partially what she said. that i dont have the talent, so i need to work harder than those who can. that i need to read more books, literature ones of course. and if everything else fails, i can always be a translator or mainly other jobs like it. sometimes living with these things can be very frustrating. espcially when every single day the main thing that you absorb was about how 'stil-below-average-really-need-to-catch-up" lines and tones about myself.

then my first rambling thought this month came up when i was listening to a track from jack johnson on my mp3. fonts. people use it daily, and they literaly take it for granted. lots of people stick to Times New Roman, and some chooses Arial for their daily use. i dont mind people using it, just wondering what's wrong with other fonts, like lucida, new courier, garamond, verdana, bookman, pheww so many regular fonts on our comp, so you name it!! designers usually goes with helvetica, and futura. even though, beyond my limited knowledge, other fonts are still being used by different people with different personality and preferences for different purposes. maybe, we can all say that fonts can also be our identity, describing our personality. and therefour, very psychologically. phew.. now we're talking heavy here!! pfffttt

mind my ramblings, this is suppose to be just a flashback writing, identifying on what stage i am now. i feel overly confused, but still can talk about fonts and people. absolutely none sense! just a piece of rubbish. but then again, i feel grateful for myself. letting my fingers do some typing, and letting my head pouring some fresh thinking into written form. silly but yet lively. hahahaha.

i hate my life right now, people care less for others and got so individualize these days. even the ones who i thought they still care, turns into one. i got so disappointed, and end up just like them. shame on me, for making such a bold yet low decision. not that i try to fight the current, i let myself sunk deeper than before. and the worst part of all, i dont care. situation teach me to change, and i -without much fight- except it. such a fool!!!

but then again, everybody sails alone! and so do i...